rik-rat corn pile

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

turkey nuts.

I'd like to consider myself an adventurous eater. Put a new food in front of me and I'll try at least two bites before I politely spit into a napkin while I pretend to cough. I used to be a semi-picky eater...that is, until Andrew Zimmern's show came out. Bizarre Foods opened me up to a new world of interesting tastes.

Deer, Bison, Elk, gizzards, poutine, scallops, squid, eel, octopus, goat, deep fried dandelions, pigeon, wild mushrooms, heart, liver, deep fried oreos (snickers, reeses peanut butter cups, and three musketeers...ALL DEEP FRIED AND DELICIOUS), oysters, clams, mussels, seaweed, vegan food, kibbeh...and the list could go on. I'll try anything.

My interest in new foods got me into trouble the other day. Big trouble. Bizarre food caliber. Almost vomit on my lap trouble.

I was at a barn party last Friday. It was good times. Lots of nice people, bonfires, and beer. Did I mention that someone brought turkey balls to the party? Yeah, a whole gallon of them in a large zip-lock bag. I was surprised by how large the testicles were...some of the bite sized snacks were longer then my pinky finger. And round. Ugh.

I was "cocky" and boasted...

"I'll eat those greasy bastards."

I shouldn't have said that. About ten minutes later Kevin walked up to me with two balls in his hands. I grabbed the smaller one and popped it into my mouth. I gave it one chew and swallowed. I also made the mistake of saying it wasn't too bad. I said it tasted like chicken. Kevin handed me the second testy. It was a big fellow and dripped oil. I popped the second turkey nut into my mouth and bit down. Instant gag reflex. For some reason the second bite was way worse then the first bite. It tasted like wet chicken fat mixed with organ meat. The hot oil that poured from the center of the morsel didn't help, either. I started to panic, I had a mouth full of balls and nowhere to spit.

I grabbed the nearest beer can and unloaded my palate. It was a horrific experience. Three other people tried to feed me turkey balls that night.

I told them to go piss up a rope.


  1. yuck. you've got quite the reputation, now.

  2. yeah, gimme some turkey balls! oh god, I'm thinking about those horrible lil' things...I think I'm going to vomit up a subway coldcut.

  3. these rocky mountain oysters gobbled. ugh. also, I like your ceramic bear painting. We want to see more!

  4. so, you have officially become the little nut hut then?